I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. I really don’t want to fucking go. I did something this year that I’ve not done in the past. I may not do it in the future, but I had to do it this year. I bailed on Christmas. Normally,… Continue Reading
Monthly Archives: December 2009
Assuming Almost Made an Ass out of Me
I almost made a colossal fuckup of a mistake today. Had I done it, I would have cheerfully slit my throat. Here’s the deal. As you know, I have been working on a massive book project for my mother. The publisher is in England, and they requested two hard copies and two disk copies… Continue Reading
The Final Countdown
Less than a week. Four more days. Then, I am leaving on a jet plane, and I don’t know when I’ll be back again. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. I want to die. I want to slit my wrists so I don’t have to go. I want to crash my car into an embankment… Continue Reading
A Blessing and a Curse
Ever since I was little, I was taught to hide my emotions–especially the negative ones. Or rather, the ones perceived as negative. Anger. Sadness. Pain. Hurt. Disappointment. Not allowed in my family. Except, as I have said, by my father. I was told I didn’t feel anger. I was yelled at if I ever did… Continue Reading
It Was the Worst of Times
Everything is falling apart, and I don’t know what to do. My old defenses are gone, and I have none to replace them. So, I have been resorting to old ones that I thought I had long abandoned, and I am not very happy that I am indulging in them again. I am not going… Continue Reading
The Best I Can Do–And a Request
I don’t want to go to Taiwan. My faithful readers know that. I am dreading it, and I feel like a jackass for dreading it. I mean, it’s the trip of a lifetime, right? I haven’t been back in 17 years, and it’s the country of my ancestry. Much has change since I was last… Continue Reading
Monsters in My Head
There are monsters in my head. I call them my demons, but they are more like monsters. Longtime readers are well-acquainted with my demons because I talk about them quite often. They have taken several guises over the years, but their constant goal is the obliteration of me. I had one I called the Dictator… Continue Reading
Learning Some Hard Truths
I had a really hard therapy session today. My therapist told me some things I didn’t want to hear, but in the end, they were exactly what I needed to hear. To make a short story long, I have to give some background. Here it is. I am lazy. Ok, I hear people protesting. ”Minna,”… Continue Reading
Blowin’ and Throwin’
I’m mad. I’m mad that I have to be dealing with this eating bullshit again, especially now. I’m mad that as a highly-intelligent woman, I can’t stop equating my worth to a number on the scale. I mean, my blood pressure is a steady 120/80, and my cholesterol is low. My pulse is good, and… Continue Reading
It’s Not Just Food
Ok. I had my therapist appointment today, and we discovered that I am fucked up when it comes to food. No, really! I know, amazing, but true. I have had ED issues since I was eighteen. Twenty years. To recap, I went on a strict diet right before going to college because I decided that… Continue Reading