Step into my brain as I watch Michael Collins. Hm. There are no opening credits. That’s kind of cool. Boy, they really jump right into the action, don’t they? There’s Liam Neeson looking so formidable in his uniform. There’s Aidan Quinn! Wait a minute, there’s Aidan Quinn dying. Wow. They killed him off early on. Isn’t he a major character? Wait, there’s Jonathan Rhys-Meyers looking impossibly gorgeous for a supposed ruffian. I didn’t know he was in the movie. Cool. Oooh, it’s Alan looking so forlorn. Now he’s weeping.  Am I missing something? Wait, no, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is going to ambush Liam Neeson. Liam! How can you be so gullible? Ian Hart! How can you let him? Oh, shit! Jonathan just shot Liam!

Oh, I get it. I’m watching the wrong side. See, I had looked at both sides of the disc before starting as this is one of those discs that has two sides. One looked pretty much like the other, so I popped in the disc assuming that it didn’t matter. Oh, how it did. I flip the disc over and hey, the beginning! It actually doesn’t matter that I watched the ending first because the first thing I see on this side is Joe (Hart. By the way, how good is he that I didn’t recognize him at all as Professor Quirrell from the first Harry Potter series) telling Kitty (Julia Roberts) why Collins (Neeson) died. Once that’s done, we’re off and running.

This movie is over two hours long. I put off watching it as it’s a ‘serious’ movie. I didn’t think I’d enjoy it, but I had to watch it because Alan Rickman is in it. I don’t like Julia Roberts, so I could only hope her role was limited. When Stephen Rea pops up, well I’m a happy woman. He’s incredible in The Crying Game, and he’s very underrated here in the States. In this movie, he plays Detective Ned Broy, a G-man for the Castle who becomes converted after hearing Collins give many speeches. Broy gives Collins as much information as possible, knowing that it’ll be his neck if his treachery is discovered.

This movie is jammed pack with action and good acting by Neeson and Quinn as Harry Bolan, Collins’s best friend who later breaks away. They even fight over the same girl, Kitty, who needn’t be in the movie at all. Julia Roberts can’t do an Irish accent worth a damn, and her part of the story doesn’t add anything to the overall gestalt. I agree with one reviewer who says the love triangle is tired, and another reviewer commented that it got blown way out of proportion. By the way, there isn’t a need for a love story in every movie. This epic tale would have been far stronger without the love story, but that’s just my humble opinion.

Back to good acting. Stephen Rea is exquisite as the tortured detective. He knows what he’s doing is right, but it eats at him every day. Also, it’s painful to watch him interact with his British superior when the latter purposely mispronounces his name ‘boy’. I got the feeling that Broy would have let that go before, most likely laughing with the superior. I would state the superior’s name, but I don’t remember it. None of the names on IMDB.com is ringing a bell, either. Sorry. Oh! I think I found it. I think it’s Charles Dance as Soames. If not, sue me. Anyway, this time, Broy cannot swallow the indignation and corrects his superior. It’s enough to make Soames suspicious. Huh. Charles Dance was in Gosford Park. I don’t remember him, but I didn’t like the movie so I blocked out most of it. He’s handsome, though. Anyway, back to the review.

Alan Rickman, I am sorry to say, struggles to keep the Irish accent going. While he is of Irish descent, his English diction peeks through every now and then. He does a good job with the physicality of the part of Eamon de Valera, and his precision is manner and word is excellent. However, his accent goes in and out, sometimes more British than Irish. He is stirring in his speech near the end, though, and his acting is stalwartly otherwise, so I suppose I can give him somewhat of a mulligan on the accent. Well, no, I can’t. It is distracting. Quinn does a better job with it, and he’s American, for god’s sake! Then again, I’ve seen more of Alan’s work than Quinn’s, so I’m probably more apt to notice when Alan’s natural accent slips through.

One reviewer on IMDB.com complained that Neil Jordan, the director took liberties and was biased in his presentation. She didn’t want people to think this was ‘the truth’ about the turbulent history of Ireland and the start of the IRA. She also criticizes the accents of pretty much everybody in the movie, including Neeson. She may be right. In fact, she probably is. You know what? I don’t care. This isn’t a documentary. This doesn’t claim to be a documentary. Wait, I should check that before I open my big mouth. Nope. Not a documentary. History, yes, but not a documentary. That means Neil Jordan is allowed to present the story however he damn well wants to and to take as many liberties with it as he likes. I don’t take this as truth but simply one man’s portrait of Michael Collins. I applaud his sweeping vision, even though there are rough patches here and there. I do sympathize about the accent thing, but it doesn’t bother me because, obviously, I can’t tell the difference.

This movie whizzes right along. There isn’t a second to breathe. Never has two hours felt like fifteen minutes before. However, there are a few times the mind wanders, most notably when Julia Roberts is on screen. The first time we see her, Collins is immediately smitten with her as is Harry. She dates Harry for awhile but eventually falls for Collins. Apparently, all it takes to fall in love are meaningful looks and proximity. That whole subplot could have been excised without harming the film in the slightest. I find it humorous that Julia Roberts is the second name listed when she’s so minor in the film. The scene where she’s trying on her wedding dress while Mick gets gunned down? Trite at best. Another thing that doesn’t work-the music. Most of it is gorgeous-I enjoy the Sinead O’Conner song at the end, but much of the music is intrusive. When I’m focusing on the music instead of the movie-unless it’s to notice how great the cellos sound-then the music is too much. Fortunately, there is not music all the time or I would go mad.

I appreciate this film for not making it one-sided. Maybe it’s just me, but I find it easy to sympathize with most people in this movie. The IRA for being desperate to take their freedom at any cost. The Brits who live there because how the hell are they supposed to know any better? The Irish who work for/with the Brits because one has to survive somehow. The scenes in which the IRA take out the British who’ve come to kill them are haunting. In theory, I can understand the need to eradicate the enemy. In practice, they are still human beings. I also applaud Jordan for making the killings as realistic as possible. The violence in this movie is not for titillation or thrills. It’s grim and disturbing as it should be. To show Collins as being torn apart by the violence is a good decision as well. It’d be all-too-easy to portray him as either a blameless hero or a raving lunatic. It takes more guts to show him as a deeply-flawed man who is just trying to do what he thinks is best for his country.

This is a sobering movie with a lot of meat in it. The little fat that does exist-yes, Julia, I’m calling you fat-is tolerable. Oh, there is one scene where Collins, Kitty and Harry are taking a night to enjoy life for a change. Joe rushes in to tell them that Britain has agreed to a truce. I kept thinking how different the movie would feel if it ended right there. I’m glad it didn’t, though, as it would have left out the fascinating break between de Valera and Collins. The tragedy of allies who then declare themselves foes is a universal theme, but a sad one, nonetheless.

I didn’t expect to like this movie, and I didn’t, per se. Rather, I didn’t enjoy it. I appreciate it and am glad that I watched it. It’s a good movie with a few outstanding actors. The acting is quite good overall, and I got to see Alan Rickman. I recommend this for your Netflix Queue, unless you are one of those people who can’t bear their truth to be more like fiction.

My mom is gone, which means I get to watch whatever movie I want again.  I have duly reconfigured my queue to reflect my tastes, but I still have three movies at home that I have yet to see.  These are movies that I do want to view, but not necessarily right away.  However, since I have them, I decided to watch them before returning them. 

First up is The End of the Affair.  Now, as far as I remember, I placed this on my queue because it has Jason Isaacs in it.  And Ian Hart.  What I didn’t remember is that it also has the wonderful Stephen Rea in it as well.  Julianne Moore and Ralph Fiennes round out the exemplary cast.  She’s lovely to look at as well as being a more-than-competent actor while he is brilliant in certain roles.  In addition, there is gorgeous orchestra music with a lush cello and picturesque period scenery.  The movie takes place during World War II—sort of—and it feels authentic.  Then again, as I’ve stated earlier, I know squat about period accuracy, so I’m impressed rather easily in that department. 

This movie should be great.  It’s directed by Neil Jordan who also directed Michael Collins and The Crying Game, among others.  Notice the crossing over of actors in his various movies, and it’s quite amusing.  At any rate, this movie is based on a novel by Graham Greene of the same name.  I have high hopes that it will blow me away.  Great music, great atmosphere, great actors, great director.  It should be a shoo-in as a great movie, but alas, it is not.

My chief complaint is this.  The entire conceit of this movie is that two characters, Julianne Moore as Sarah Miles and Ralph Fiennes as Maurice Bendrix meet and fall instantly in love.  She is married to Henry Miles (Stephen Rea) who is some kind of politician who is emotionally absent.  He’s a typical buttoned-down Englishman who’d rather cut his hand off than show an authentic iota of emotion until it’s too late.  Sarah is supposedly this luminous woman who captivates the hearts of men around her without half-trying.  Maurice is a somewhat-successful novelist who is, in a word, an asshole.

This is the problem, people.  I do not for one minute believe that anyone would fall in love with Maurice, especially not after getting to know him.  He is a self-absorbed, arrogant yet puling jerk who doesn’t give a fig about anyone other than himself.  His ‘love’ for Sarah is obsession and more about him than her.  He is jealous of everything and everyone because he cannot be with Sarah twenty-four/seven.  To top it off, he’s a crashing bore.  There is nothing interesting or sexy about him, and it’s inconceivable that Sarah would fall in love with him.

She doesn’t, though, not really.  It’s clear that it’s more a matter of escaping from her husband than actual falling in love.  It doesn’t matter, though, because Sarah is not a real woman.  She is the concept of what man wants the ideal woman to be.  Sexy, sensual, but ultimately unattainable.  Even if Maurice thinks he’s the aggrieved one—indeed, he accuses her of staying with Henry because she knows the affair will end—he’s  the one who would chafe if he actually had to live with Sarah as man and wife.  It’s clear that he needs to see himself as the pining lover, as that’s what makes him happiest.  I don’t waste my sympathy on Sarah, either, though, as she is self-absorbed as well.

This movie is set during World War II, sort of, but the war has the decency only to provide a backdrop for the main story—the supposedly sweeping love story of Sarah and Maurice.  They only meet during the bombings, and they only meet to fuck like rabbits, apparently.  This is another reason I don’t believe it’s love.  I never see them do anything other than having sex—nice scenes, by the way.  He has a nice ass, and she has great tits—so how am I supposed to think this is love?  She is chafed by her relationship with her husband, but there is more love and tenderness there than in her relationship with Maurice.  That’s infatuation, loneliness, and something else—not love.  In addition, Henry is a much better and even more interesting person than is Maurice.  I also think he’s better looking, but that’s just a personal preference. 

That’s neither here nor there as desire is subjective.  What is objective, however, is all the plot points that are there only to move the movie forward.  Also, the missing plot points that aren’t there for the same reason.  Such as, when Sarah is feeling frustrated at Henry’s lack of attention, not once does she mention it to him.  Instead of trying to salvage her relationship with him, she has a torrid sexual relationship with Maurice, a supposed friend.  Then, when the big, climatic scene happens, instead of her just explaining to Maurice what happened, she flees after uttering something cryptic.  I want to scream in frustration as it’s obviously An Obstacle to keep the movie going.  The whole God aspect isn’t dealt with very well as God is shown very reductively here.  Sarah makes a promise.  She breaks the promise.  She must be made to pay the ultimate price.

By this way, there are many similarities between this movie and Moulin Rouge.  In fact, I think Julianne Moore looks a great deal like Nicole Kidman here.  The same ethereal beauty, the same hacking cough.  It’s clear from the beginning that there is something dreadfully wrong with Sarah, just as there was with Satine.  There is the writer in both cases—though Christian is much more attractive and human than is Maurice.  There is the inevitable triangle and the inevitable ending.  This movie was made first, however, so I guess Moulin Rouge is the copier.  However, the clichéd ending that works well in Moulin Rouge doesn’t work as well here.  Probably because this isn’t a musical.

I have to give mad props to two Harry Potter alums.  Jason Isaacs is terrific in the small part of Father Smythe.  One would expect a priest to be pious and gentle and all that.  Not this one.  He is passionate and fiery and sarcastic.  It’s a risky choice, but one that works beautifully.  It’s refreshing to see a pastor who is a real man and not just a saint on earth.  I could easily see Father Smythe quaffing back a few ones in the local pub and perhaps getting into a fistfight as well.  Plus, those brilliant blue eyes are just yummy.  Next up, Ian Hart as Mr. Parkis, the private detective agent who is hired by Maurice to follow Sarah.  Hart is nothing short of fantastic in this role, and I am filled with admiration once more at how versatile an actor he is even if his character isn’t totally believable.

Ok.  It sounds like I’m totally dissing this movie, the last paragraph notwithstanding.  Not true.  Despite all the failings of the movie, I was leaning towards recommending it for your Netflix Queue because of the stellar acting which makes this movie far better than it has any right to be.  Even though I never believe for a single minute that anything I’m watching is real, I am ok with that.  I think of it as a play that entertains me even if it doesn’t transport me.  However, the last fifteen minutes or so totally kill this movie for me.  After Maurice moves in with Henry and Sarah, the movie speeds downhill until it crashes.  When Henry is talking to Maurice about knowing about the affair, I sense what the next line is going to be, and I plead it not to be so.  It is, and I actually roll my eyes.  I don’t do that except under extreme duress, so I know the moment is big—in a negative way.  Then, the final miracle occurs, and I completely lose any interest in this movie that I ever had.  What’s worse, I feel ripped off and pissed off.  The last bit with Maurice at his typewriter is fine, but it’s too late by then.  Ten minutes of incredibly horrid plot ruined any chance I’d recommend this movie.  It is with utmost regret that I must decline to recommend this movie.  In the end, this affair didn’t amount to anything.

p.s.  It’s a good thing that the relationship between Sarah and Maurice never had a chance to last because I would bet that they, like Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney, would have had that marriage annulled before the ink even dried on the certificate.  That’s the great thing about the ending for the movie—the couple doesn’t have to actually live or love.

Ok.  Next up—Breakfast on Pluto.  I had mix feelings about seeing this movie because it got pretty trashed at the time it was released.  I don’t normally pay attention to reviews when I am actually going to see a movie, but I did with this movie for some reason.  Why did I want to see it?  Well, Neil Jordan directs, for one.  I think he’s a great, though erratic director who occasionally indulges himself too much—see End of the Affair as case in point.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to see this because Cillian Murphy reminds me of that guy from Smallville, whom I don’t find attractive at all.  In fact, I was convinced that Tom Welling was the actor playing Scarecrow in Batman Begins.  Even though I realized it wasn’t, I thought he—Murphy—was odd looking in Batman Begins, and this is without the scary Scarecrow transformation.  On the other hand, he is Irish.  ‘Nough said.

So, I put this movie on my queue and kept it sitting on the living room coffee table while I tried to decide if I wanted to see it or not.  Needless to say, I finally did.  I pop it in at the start of an exercise session, and I am underwhelmed.  In the commentary, Neil Jordan says that the whole movie hinges on the character of Patrick ‘Kitty’ Braden (Cillian Murphy), and he’s right.  This is the greatest strength and greatest weakness of the movie, starting with the latter.  The whole movie is structured as a book, really, with Kitty telling her life in chapters.  In fact, the title of each chapter flashes on the screen, which I like.  In the beginning, Patrick’s mother abandons him on the steps of the church and leaves.  Oh, by the way, it pays to watch with the subtitles because this time, I got dialogue between the robins.  It was hilarious!  And it was only in the subtitles. 

Anyway, the priest is Liam Neeson (and yes, it does become a game of ‘oh, look!  It’s so-and-so!), and he takes the baby to the local watering hole and drops him off.  It’s pretty apparent from the beginning that Liam (Father Liam, how funny) is the father of the baby.  Scandalous?  I suppose so.  It’s also clear that Patrick has an interest in women’s clothing from a pretty early age.  His adoptive mother (played by Ruth McCabe) is a harridan who’s appalled that he wants to dress up in girl’s clothing with her daughter (played by Charlene McKenna) right by her indignant side.  These two women are so repugnant, that it’s a relief when I see the backside of them halfway into the movie, expect for their appearance in a funeral scene. 

The first half drags along with Patrick being arch and fey.  I know he’s a young man, but he’s so very, very callow.  I love the luminous Ruth Negga as Charlie, but she’s little more than a strident bitch in the beginning.  In fact, everything seems to be stereotyped.  The bad Patrick acting up in Catholic school, though they seem surprising tolerant of his girly clothing and makeup.  The teacher of Patrick’s English class is played by Pat McCabe, the author of the book on which this movie is based.  That amuses me for some reason.  Anyway, following Patrick throughout Catholic school is a chore.  In fact, I’m wondering if I even want to finish the movie.  The biker is pretentious and pontificates too much, and I’m impatient.  I am metaphorically gritting my teeth which does not bode well for the movie.  I stop after I’m done exercising (about halfway through) to ponder whether I want to finish or not.

After some heavy deliberation, I return.  Why?  I don’t know.  I just have the obscure hope that it’ll get better.  The acting is pretty decent (with the limited scope), the music is cool (from the era, the sixties/seventies Ireland), and, well, it’s Neil Jordan.  Oh, I forgot to say, because Stephen Rea has made his appearance, albeit as a slimy British guy.  Wait, slimy isn’t the right word, and before we get to him, we have to get to a gentleman, who is called in the credits on IMDB.com , ‘Mr. Silky String’.  See, Kitten is in London to find her mother in the city that never sleeps and has swallowed her up.  Yes, this line is repeated several times throughout the movie, another problem.  Anyway, Kitten has an altercation with a hooker and hops into a car of a wealthy gent in order to escape.  Mr. Silky String.  Who, you can see from the word go, is  trouble.

Oh!  Gotta go back!  The whole Billy and the Mohawks thing is hysterical, but that’s when I’m really impatient with Patrick.  He falls in love with the singer of a band, Billy Hatchet (Gavin Friday, a singer in real life, and the best friend of Bono from U2, according to, yes, IMDB.com) who is sort of in the closet.  And a Young Republican participator.  One of Patrick’s best friends, Irwin (Laurence Kinlan), is also a supporter.  Patrick wants the whole dream in la-la land, whereas Billy is rooted in the reality that is Irish politics.  I wanted to smack Kitten for being so la-la and for doing an act which irrevocably breaks the relationship apart.  Instead of confronting Billy about it, she goes behind his back and does something that could get him (and her) in some deep shit.  Guess she is a woman, after all.  By the way, Eddie Izzard would say that Kitten does drag and is not a tranny because according to Izzard, trannys like women. 

So, in London, Kitten is nattering about love to Mr. Silky String who is giving me the CREEPS!  Guess who he is?  Bryan Ferry from Roxy Music!  How cool is that?  He’s really fucking good, too.

                                                                                                                                        12:27 a.m.  19/20

I took a break.  Am back.  Anyway, it’s clear from the start that Mr. Silky String is a bad, bad man.  How bad?  He tries to kill Kitty by strangulation with a silky necklace (hence his name), and she only escapes after spraying him with perfume.  Harrowing and funny, I admit, but still obvious. 

Then, sigh, Stephen Rea.  He seems to be a good bloke, and a magician, too, but he’s also interested in exploiting Kitty in a most ugly way.  It’s hard to reconcile his base nature with his more overt goodness, but we’re all a mixture of good and bad, I guess.  It’s especially interesting to see Stephen Rhea in a role where he loves (as much as he can love) a woman who is a man.  I’m glad Jordan made it that way because at this point, there is no mistaking Kitty for a biological woman.  Actually, I don’t ever think there is mistaking Kitty for a biological woman, but I guess I’m just hard to fool in that way.  I like that Charlie comes back into the picture at this point, though Irwin, not so much.

Oh!  Back again!  Brendan Gleeson as a Wombley—sort of hedgehog-like Disney creatures.  Fucking hysterical!  Even not knowing the Wombleys specifically, the funniness comes across.  And the Wombley dance?  Brilliant.  Cillian Murphy says in the commentary that Gleeson made up the dance, which is great.  It’s so strange to see a big, strapping man like Gleeson dressed like a hedgehog.  He’s also one of the nicer blokes in Kitty’s life, though he’s not gay.  He doesn’t seem to guess that Patrick has more than just friendly interest in him—I don’t think that would go over too well with John-Joe who loves him some women.  Patrick, on the other hand, is just looking to be loved.

Ok.  After Charlie marches Kitty out of Bertie’s magic act, things start to take a turn for the darker.  All the zaniness to this point becomes, well, more poignant.  Charlie and Irwin are having troubles, and Charlie is pregnant.  First, she decides to get an abortion, then she decides against it.  Irwin drops off a bomb to some Young Republicans before he and Charlie go back to London, then Kitty is caught in a disco where a bomb explodes.  Though it’s not said, it’s painfully clear that it’s the explosives Irwin smuggled into London.

Then, comes the best cameo of them all.  The part?  PC Wallis.  First seen whomping quite brutally on Kitty because everyone seems to think she’s a cross-dressing terrorist.  The scene in which PC Wallis makes mincemeat of Kitty is quite heartbreaking as Kitty is stripped of her finery, becoming just Patrick.  He is broken, physically and mentally, and he’s agreeing with everything PC Wallis and Inspector Routledge (Steven Waddington) are saying.  He tells them what he thinks they want to hear, which is making them uncomfortable.  The fantasy scene in which Patrick makes his ‘confession’ is pretty fucking hilarious, too.  Oh, the cameo?  Well, at first, I don’t recognize the PC.  I think, ‘He’s just some ratty-face brute beating up on poor Kitty’.  A few minutes into the violence, and I realize that it’s fucking Ian Hart!  How great is that?  Yet again, I don’t recognize him at first because he’s a truly transcendent actor.  He becomes the role so that he is not showing through.  Very hard to do.  I bow down to the greatness that is Ian Hart.  Oh, and Murphy says in the commentary that Hart was very gentle in the scenes and didn’t leave a scratch on him.  Also quite a coup.

Anyway, after several days, PC Wallis and Inspector Routledge have come to pity the poor Patrick.  One day, Inspector scoops Patrick off the table to take him back to his cell.  Patrick asks the inspector if he’d take Patrick to the hospital if he found him lying on the floor.  The inspector says, quite gently, ‘Of course I would.’  Patrick asks if the inspector would carry him like he is now.  Yes.  Then Patrick asks, ‘Would you marry me if I weren’t a cross-dressing terrorist?’  Bollocks, no.  They’re similar to the lines Patrick used to coquettishly ask Harry, but they’re heartbreaking here, as is Patrick’s attempt to run back to his cell after he’s set free.  It’s funny on the one hand, but so sad on the other. 

Patrick is homeless.  He learns that if he turns tricks, he can make a decent living that way.  One of the ‘tricks’ he tries to pick up turns out to be PC Wallis, who is feeling so bad about Patrick.  As he drives Patrick away, he lectures him, saying, ‘This will kill you, son,’ to which Patrick replies very quietly, ‘I know.’  Patrick/Kelly has grown up in the movie, and I quite like his more adult self.  Still innocent and looking for the good, but much more aware of the dark.  This is my favorite scene, segueing into Wallis taking Patrick to a stripper co-op, run by the strippers who inhabit it.  There, Kelly does full drag for the first time, and we see more evolution of him into his full being.

This is where I want to stop talking about the movie because the ending is best watched unsullied.  I started out really not liking this movie and ended up with quite fond feelings.  The maturation of Kitty is the key as is the strong performance by Cillian Murphy.  Put this on your Netflix Queue, but don’t expect too much.  That way, you won’t be disappointed.  Oh, and I’m glad that Neil Jordan is still committed to Irish causes, even if the political doesn’t always take the forefront.  That’s all.

So.  On the day the final Harry Potter book is released, I am dodging any mention of it because I want to not know any spoilers before reading it.  Too late as one article in the Strib online puts a spoiler in the teaser.  People, please.  Do me (and others like me) a favor and put all spoilers in the link so someone has to click on the link in order to read the spoilers.  Is that too much to ask? 

That’s not why I’m here, though.  Another fairly big event happened in the world of Harry Potter last week—the fifth movie opened.  As a good friend of mine and I have a standing tradition of seeing the movies in a theatre together (she also buys the books and lends them to me so I don’t have to buy them myself), we are off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Hogwarts.  The movie is Harry Potter:  Fast and Furious, no, wait, it’s not, but it might as well be.  Harry is in his fifth year at Hogwarts, and not so coincidentally, he hits his sullen years.  The book, Harry Potter and the Order of The Phoenix, is the longest by far (800+ pages), and the movie is a slim two and a half hours long.  Obviously, something has to go.

I haven’t read the book since it came out, so I only remember the bare bones.  Though I can normally remember books in great details, my mind is a sieve when it comes to the Potter books.  My friend is the same way, but she re-read the book a few weeks before the movie opened, so she knew more than I did.  I was hyped beforehand because Snape (Alan Rickman), Lucius (Jason Isaacs), and Lupin (David Thewlis) are all in the book.  As I joked to my friends, “It’s porn for Minna.”  I told my friend to nudge me in the ribs if I drool too loudly, but she said she was going to switch seats and pretend not to know me.  As Snape had maybe three lines in the last movie, I was anticipating more in this installation.  Hell, he was teaching Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) how to close his mind against intrusive invaders, wasn’t he?  That had to be good for something.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  In the beginning, Potter is on a playground swing, looking all broody.  A gang of boys comes over to taunt him, and it takes me several seconds to recognize his cousin, Dudley (Harry Melling) as he’s grown up quite a bit.  Then, there’s a shot of my beloved dementors looking less cuddly without their hoods, and Harry is up on charges!  He’s expelled from Hogwarts, but there will be a trial.  Oh, but first, we see, sigh, Lupin as Harry embraces Sirius (Gary Oldman).  Lupin is looking worn and haggard, but beautifully so.  We also hear Snape’s voice, but we do not see him.  There is a hilarious scene involving an ear and a cat, but the less said the better.

As Mr. Weasley (Mark Williams) takes Harry to the trial, we see a glimpse of, sigh, Lucius chatting with the thick-headed Minister of Defense, Cornelius Fudge (Robert Hardy) who wants to put his head in the sand and pretend that nothing is happening.  Voldemort (creepy Ralph Fiennes) back?  Nope, nope, I can’t hear you!  Imelda Staunton as Dolores Umbridge (like umbrage?) is outstanding in her determinedly pink upbeat cruelty.  Did you know that a dumbledore is a bumblebee?  That is neither here nor there, but interesting nonetheless.  Anyway, Dumbledore (Michael Gambon, sigh, not Richard Harris) comes to defend Harry, but then ignores him after Harry is cleared.  This was a weak point of the book—that Dumbledore would really think Voldemort would leave Harry alone if Dumbledore weren’t so close to Harry—but it plays out wonderfully on screen.  Harry, the poor, angry orphan who has gone through hell and back, being ignored by his mentor.  It’s enough to make anyone snap!  And he does, especially since half the school thinks he’s making up Voldemort being back.  Fudge is waging an all-out onslaught on the credibility of Dumbledore and Potter through the papers, and it’s not helping matters any.

Hermione (Emma Watson) and Ron (Rupert Grint) are trying to help Harry, but he is having none of that.  He is determined to go his own way, no matter what the cost.  By the way, it is a relief to see that the trio haven’t aged much since the last movie.  I guess it’s because they were filmed pretty close together, and I approve.  They better film the next two in a hurry, though. 

Anyway, Dolores does her pinkly best to clamp down on the school, including not teaching spells in the Dark Arts.  I do like the pictures of cats (moving, of course) in her office, but she gives crazy cats ladies a bad name.  She goes around grilling the teachers, including the hapless Sybil Trewlaney (Emma Thompson).  No matter how you feel about the almost-charlatan, you can’t help but feel a twinge of pity as Dolores demands she produces one prophesy.  One of the best lines is when she is grilling Snape in the classroom in front of the students, saying, “You applied for professor of the Dark Arts first, but were turned down.”  That’s not the great line.  It’s the following line when Snape forces out, “Ob-viously,” between clenched teeth.  It got the biggest laugh in the theatre.  My favorite theatre, by the way.  The Heights.  Old-timey with organ playing on Friday, and you’re allowed to bring DQ into the theatre since the same guy owns both.

There is more character development in this movie than in the last, which is welcomed.  It is unfortunate that there isn’t more about the actual Order since I find them to be the most fascinating aspect of the book.  However, as I told myself in the middle of the movie (because I was disappointed in the shortage of screen time for the three hot Brits), “This is not a movie about the adults.  You can’t be mad that they aren’t in it more.”  I only hope that when the DVD comes out, they will be in some deleted scenes.

The movie cracks along at a brisk pace, barely stopping to catch its breath.  Helena Bonham Carter is deliciously insane as the evil Bellatrix Lestrange (cousin to Sirius), and it’s amusing to see how many famous Brit actors are in the movie.  As one reviewer commented, Judy Dench seems to be the only Brit in the pantheon who hasn’t been in a movie.  Well, her and Helen Mirren.  And David Suchet.  I think Suchet in anything other than a Poirot movie would be jarring, though.  He IS Poirot.

The movie cuts out all fat and whole sections of the book.  My friend and I differ on the ending.  She found it anticlimactic while I thought the pyrotechnics satisfying.  She brought up the “It’s better in the book” argument which I concede.  It’s hard to match on screen the imagination of the page, even with all the special effects they are able to accomplish these days.

All in all, it’s just another brick in the—oh, sorry.  I am listening to The Wall right now.  All in all, it’s a worthy addition to the Potter movie series.  It’s much better than the last one, but not as good as the best one—the third one.  It develops the characters a bit more and it sets up the next movie quite well.  It’s worth seeing, even if you wait to watch it at home on DVD.  Definitely worth a spot on your Netflix Queue.

 
Harry Potter fans, we have a burgeoning dilemma on our hands.  It started, well, really, right from the start, but more so with the latest movie, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  What’s the dilemma?  It is this.  J.K. Rowling seems determined to write the next War and Peace, increasing each book exponentially.  This a problem when it comes to the big screen because how on earth can one pare down a tome of epic proportions to a mere two and a half hours?  Well, there is more than one way, but Mike Newell decides to jettison most of the emotional tenor of the story and simply focus on the action.  Oh, I still haven’t gotten to the dilemma, but I’m making my way there, don’t you worry.  Here it is.  The movie is a satisfactory adventure flick if you haven’t read the book.  However, if you haven’t read the book, you probably don’t know what the hell is going on.  See how that might be a problem? 

First of all, Hermione (Emma Watson) has breasts.  This is disturbing on so many levels.  I know, I know, they’re growing up, but still.  Ron (Rupert Grint) looks twenty-five whereas Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) looks seventeen, which is about how old Radcliffe is.  Draco (Tom Felton) looks older as well, the little we see of him.  See, this is another problem.  Not enough of the regulars.  I know, I know, that’s part of the story, but it’s hard to care about the new people because I don’t know them.  Victor Krum (Stanislav Ianevski), Fleur Delacour (Clemence Poesy), and Cedric Diggory (Robert Pattinson) do fine jobs with what they have, but that isn’t much.  Oh, I also object that the only thing we see Fleur do is scream like a girl in the maze and fail the underwater task.  It would have been nice to see her doing well. 

Now, for the adult portion of the review—where the hell are Snape (Alan Rickman) and Lucius (Jason Isaacs)?  I couldn’t believe how long it took before Snape actually had a line.  I was fearful that he’d go the entire movie without speaking.  Sure, I love looking at him, and sure, he does physical acting very well—the added scene where he forces Potter and Ron to study is hilarious, and he does it all without saying a word, but still!  As for Lucius, I’m glad he got a few juicy lines in at the end or I would have been sorely disappointed.  They damn well better get David Thewlis as Lupin for the next movie so I can have the three of them in one movie.  And Alan is secured, so yay!  The next book is fat with Snape stuff, so there should be plenty of Alan.  Oh, can I say that James Phelps as Fred Weasley is getting cute, too?  The two new boys are cute as well.  Damn it, it’s a family movie, Minna!  Get your mind out of the gutter.

Actually, it’s not a family movie.  It’s the first rated PG-13, and it’s definitely more intense than the first three.  My niece has seen the first three movies, but she’s going to have to wait a few years (she’s seven) before seeing this one.  As for Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort, well, I’m torn.  His acting is brilliant, but he looks like a turtle.  Now, I don’t know about you, but turtles don’t scare me.  Then again, I’m not a kid, so what do I know?  However, he is a great choice as Voldemort as he’s scary just standing there.  He also lends that edge of madness to the character and not an ounce of humanity.  Yet, he seems like a real person and not a monster.  Quite the nice acting job, Ralph. 

The thing that I keep coming back to while watching this movie is that I have no emotional investment in anything or anyone.  Again, I’m looking at is as if I’ve never watched or read a Potter movie/book before.  I’m pretending that I’m coming into this cold, and there’s no emotional content in this movie.  I feel as if it’s the Cliff Notes for the book, touching on this event and this event before moving onto this event.  In the book, I got to know Cedric enough to care that he dies.  In the movie, I just shrug.  Also, there is no way you can figure out the mystery in the movie whereas you have a fighting chance in the book. 

Can I just repeat how much I love the scene in which Harry and Ron are talking about asking out a girl to the Yule Ball and Snape keeps smacking them on the head?  My particular favorite is when he rolls his eyes, flicks up the cuffs of his, uh, whatever he’s wearing and really digs in.  It’s great.  He’s great.  I still believe he’s for the good, but that’s for a later review.  This is a scene that isn’t in the book, but I love it.  On the other hand, a little more emotional stuff could have been added before putting in this scene, but then I wouldn’t get to see the delectable Alan Rickman doing his thing.  I reluctantly think, however, that it’s more important to add things from the book than to make up new scenes. 

The movie zips along for being so long.  I think it’s because it’s all action.  I love Miranda Richardson as Rita Skeeter, but that’s one storyline that just peters out.  She has a much bigger role in the book, and an important one.  Dropping it rips off a layer of the story and leaves it a bit less satisfying.  More background before the plunge into the tournament would be nice, as well, but it’s understandable why they dispense with the back-story.  I don’t like it, but this movie is committed to the fans who’ve read the books.  I am also mad that the Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane)/Madame Olympe Maxime (Frances de la Tour) storyline got the short shrift.  I love the whole giant aspect and am really perturbed it isn’t played out more.  By the way, de la Tour was in a Poirot movie.  Proves my theory that most Brits have been in a Poirot and now a Potter.  I want Bill Nighy to be in a Potter.  I have no idea whom he would play, but make it so.

Visually, this movie is gorgeous, as usually.  Aurally, the same.  Mood and atmosphere galore.  Brendan Gleeson as Alastor ‘Mad-Eye’ Moody is terrific as is David Tennant (the new Dr. Who!) as Barty Crouch Junior.  Roger Lloyd-Pack as Barty Crouch (also in a Poirot episode, one I haven’t seen yet) does an adequate job, but he should be in the movie more.  It amazes me how the guest stars continue to shine.  It’s great.  The Yule Ball is sumptuous as well, and Hermione is just lovely.  Give it up for the Scottish Katie Leung as Cho Chang.  I keep thinking Cho is her last name because it’s not really a first name, but yay for the Asian chick.  Daniel Radcliffe says in the extras that he’s looking forward to kissing her. 

Anyway, I liked the movie without really getting anything from it.  The tension between Ron and Harry is glossed over like it’s nothing.  That’s really how everything happens in the movie—as if it’s nothing.  This movie, more than the other three, really has no staying power.  It’s likable enough as you’re watching it, but eminently forgettable.  For how visually phenomenal it is, it’s really a shame the emotional doesn’t match.
 
Re:  the extras.  Worth watching, I guess.  I liked the bit about the three newcomers the best as well as the deleted scenes, especially the one of Snape.  So, do I recommend this for your Netflix Queue?  Yes.  It’s worth watching if you don’t expect much from it.  I’m sure the younger set, the rabid Potter fans will love it.  The older viewers can at least enjoy the special effects.

Back to HP & the COS.  I liked it better than the first movie.  I’m trying to decide why, and the best I can come up with is that I know the characters and vaguely remember the plot, which means I have a modicum of investment in the movie.  When I saw the first movie, I had never read the books so I didn’t really get what was happening on screen.  This movie confused me with its scene changes as well, but at least I knew enough of the background not to flounder too much.  It’s best to watch this movie without really thinking of anything much or else you come up with questions such as the one my friend asked when the message from the heir of Slytherin showed up in blood.  Whose blood is it?  Even when we find out who wrote the message, we never find out from where the blood comes.  As my friend asked, ‘Her menstrual blood?’  As the girl (Bonnie Wright as Ginny Weasley) is about nine, that’s pretty unlikely and grotesque besides.

Ok.  First of all, it must be said.  Jason Isaacs as Lucius Malfoy is…well, dare I say it?  Oh, I dare.  He’s fucking hot.  I know that is so wrong in so many different ways, but I can’t help it.  With his white hair pulled back and those oddly light eyes, he looks like a seventeenth century vampire, and we all know how I love me some vampires.  I love the name Lucius as well, but that’s not the point.  The point is that I would watch this man just stand there and look haughty the whole time if that’s all he chose to do.  I know, it’s a kid’s movie, and I know he’s the right-hand man of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, but still.  He’s so fucking hot.  Let’s dwell on that a second before moving on.  Lucius Malfoy…hot.  The other thing I noticed is that he and Snape (Alan Rickman) make a matched set.  Salt and pepper.  Black and white.  Ebony and ivory.

Ok, I’m off Lucius Malfoy for now.  Oh, final word on him—bad, bad man.  Like his son, but much bigger.  By the way, am I the only one who thinks Draco looks like Spike’s child (Spike, from the Buffy the Vampire Slayer television series)?  I think Tom Felton has too many tics as Draco, but I suppose he’s suitably menacing.  He’s a bit too small to be seriously threatening, but I suppose that’s why he has his two henchmen with him wherever he goes.  I can’t wait to see him turn into a—oops.  Mustn’t give it away for those who have not read HP & the GOF yet.  I just find him distracting, and I wished he wouldn’t try so hard.  He needs to take a leaf from his father’s playbook and be ice-cold.  Hm.  I seem to be back to Lucius again.  So sorry about that. 

I wish there was more Quidditch, but I guess you’ve seen one match, you’ve seen them all.  Also, I know Moaning Myrtle (Shirley Henderson )is supposed to be annoying, but really, does she need to be that annoying?  I wanted to slap her myself, which I guess is the point.  I find it interesting that she’s supposed to be a schoolgirl—albeit a dead one—and she’s nearly forty in real life.  Thanks, IMDB.com!  Love that website.  I also can’t help mourning the loss of Sir Richard Harris as Dumbledore.  He is Dumbledore.  I have a hard time imagining anyone else in the role and sadly, Sir Michael Gambon is just not up to the enormous task of filling Harris’s shoes.  Harris is regal, calm, all-knowing.  Gambon is impish, slightly daft, and not commanding in the least.  A moment of silence for Sir Richard.  I know he is in this movie, but I can’t help wishing he would be in the rest.

I love the three main characters, though truth to be told, Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) is my least favorite.  He is bland and really, not so heroic.  A friend of mine who has read the newest Potter book—book five which I’ve yet to read—says Harry makes her want to smack him in it because he has such attitude.  My response was, ‘Good.  It’s about time.’  With Ron (Rupert Grint) and his red-haired goofiness and brilliant Hermione (Emma Watson) by his side, Potter needs something other than the scar to make him stand out.  Oh, I know, he saves the school and all that, but that’s not enough in my mind.  Ron, who is my favorite, should have died in the first book during the chess game scene, but no way would J.K. kill him off that quickly.  In this book, Ginny should have died but no, she lives.  I wish the movie had managed to show the Percy (Chris Rankin)as prefect angel, but I understand why they didn’t.  There’s only so much they can show given the time constraints, and the Percy story is mere filler.  I call the movies the Cliff Notes for the books because they are really boiled down to their essences.  I think Chris Columbus did a great job with this movie, regardless of how much he got panned for it.

Oh!  I like Dobby (Toby Jones, voice).  The friend I watched the movie with says she likes Dobby, too.  We must be the only two people because he’s been compared to Jar-Jar Binks, which is completely unfair.  Not that I’ve actually seen Jar-Jar in action.  Besides the point.  When Dobby starts whomping on himself, well, it makes me howl.  I think it’s the funniest thing ever, and he has got to come back for HP & the GOF.  I’m not so sure how I feel about Winky, though, because she really annoyed the hell out of me.  Oh well, I guess I’ll have to wait for the next movie to see how they deal with her.  I just wanted to weigh in on the Dobby debate because he gets the thumbs up from me.

I love Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane) and McGonagall (Dame Maggie Smith).  My only problem with the latter is that they don’t use her enough.  I know she’s not very prominent in the books, but I love Dame Maggie Smith.  She needs her role beefed up.  Oh, I almost forgot Kenneth Branagh, who is hysterical as Gilderoy Lockhart, a pompous author who steals other wizards’ stories of bravado as his own.  It is nice to see Branagh doing comedy as he tends to get bogged down in Drama (with a capital D) sometimes.  There could have been more of him as well, but that might have been too much.  The one thing I really appreciate about this movie is how seamless it is.  Scenes flow together—sometimes to their detriment—and the actors work well together. 

One negative is the monsters.  The huge spider and the even huger basilisk just aren’t very frightening.  I know this is a kid’s movie, but still.  I find myself laughing at the spiders and the basilisk than feeling any modicum of horror/terror/fright.  I realize I’m not the target audience, but Columbus could have ratcheted up the fright quotient.  The basilisk chasing Potter scene doesn’t do much for me, either, but that’s quibbling.  I like the phoenix, Fawkes, very much, and I hope to see more of him in the future.
Overall, this is a good movie.  It’s not great, and it won’t stick to you for long, but if you’re a Potter fan, then it’s a must for your Netflix Queue.  You’ll enjoy it while you watch it, even if you don’t remember a thing of it afterwards. 

                                                                                                                                          2:38 a.m.   12/17/18/04

One addendum.  After borrowing the DVD from aforementioned friend so I could obsessively watch Lucius Malfoy, I began to notice something disturbing.  Something seriously disturbing.  It’s about Snape.  Give me a second to compose myself before I reveal my dastardly secret.  Ahem.  Ok.  He, um, well, let’s just say he grew on me and leave it at that.  What?  I can’t leave it at that?  Ok, damn it.  He’s fucking hot, too.  There, you happy?  Yeah, I said it.  Oh, I know, that greasy hair and that dour expression.  I know he’s twenty-five years older than I.  I know that he’s a Slytherin and that he might or might not be a baddie.  I know that he has it in for Potter and has taken Malfoy Junior under his wing.  Who, by the way, gets on my nerves less.  I began to feel sorry for him because his father—the yummy Lucius—is so mean to him.  Also, I notice how he looks to Snape for approval, which Snape withholds from him.  It’s sad.

Anyway, back to Snape.  It is during the Dueling Club scene that I first notice how commanding Snape is.  I love his wardrobe—of course.  Mostly black with a few deep purples thrown in.  He should wear green and silver, however, to support his house.  When Snape stands there with his wand aloft and spells Lockhart, well, that’s when he had me.  In that moment, I fell for Snape, and I started watching his scenes obsessively as well.  How could I not notice how sexy he is?  I do not know, but now I’m going to borrow the other two movies from the same friend so I can watch him at work.  I’ve also put other Alan Rickman movies on my Netflix Queue, and I bought Dark Harbor at Half.com, unseen.  His performance as Snape is spot on, and I can’t believe I said a little Snape goes a long way.  Now, I think you can never have enough Snape, and I can’t wait to see if he is for or against Voldemort in the end.  I have a hunch he’ll die fighting Voldemort, but I’ll just have to wait and see.  At least I finished Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.  Now I know why Snape hates Potter so much.  Poor Severus!

I just finished reading the third Harry Potter book about a week ago.  To my surprise, I enjoyed it immensely.  Why do I say to my surprise?  Because I didn’t care for the first two books.  In fact, it took me awhile to summon my courage to read book three.  The only way I did manage to pick it up was because I told myself that I could quit reading it at any time.  Once I did, I could hardly put it down.

This is the backdrop to the fact that I saw the movie, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban today.  Or as I like to call it, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azerbaijan.  Not because I mistake the two, but because I like the word Azerbaijan, and really, how many times do you get to say or write it?  Back to the movie.  Yes, I actually saw it in a theater.  A medium popcorn costs five bucks!  Outrageous.  You can bet I took the more than half full bag home with me.  It’s ok.  I like stale popcorn.  I should have gotten the small, but it was only seventy-five cents less for appreciably less popcorn.  I digress, but I’m outraged at the prices at the concession stand.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been to an actual theater—thank you, Netflix—and I almost had a heart attack.  Michael Moore, if you want to do an expose on theater concession prices, I’m right there with you.

Anyway, we walked in after the commercials, er, trailers started.  We didn’t see any ads, so I think we came in after them.  Thank god.  And just like on TV, the trailers are blaring away at break-the-glass decibels.  I found myself wishing I had my earplugs and gritting my teeth in pain.  I knew there was no way I could handle two more hours of the torture, so I was thankful when the volume dropped for the movie.  Of course, then it was too quiet, but it was preferable to being way too fucking loud.  Excuse my language.  I know this is a kid’s film, except really, it isn’t.  Here we go.

First off, I was more than curious to see how they were going to cram the whole book into a two-hour movie.  There is just no way to condense that much material, and the way the director did it was by dispensing with all the background.  If you knew nothing about Harry Potter—and if that’s the case, what are you doing watching the movie?—then you were SOL.  This movie not only presumes you know the basics, it dispenses with them completely.  There is a scene early on with Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) riding a wizard’s bus that screeches along the highways.  It’s symbolic of how the movie goes, and you’d better buckle your seatbelt. 

Since I had just read the book and it was fresh in my mind, I couldn’t help but count the ways in which the movie either changed scenes or dispensed of them completely.  I understand some of the changes such as Mr. Weasley (Mark Williams) telling Harry what’s up with Sirius Black (Gary Oldman) instead of Harry having to overhear Mr. and Mrs. Weasley (Julie Walters) talking about it.  It saves precious minutes and we’re off to the races.  It is strange that so much of the movie zips along because there were at least three times when I was bored stiff.  During those times, I fidgeted in my seat and ate out of my never-ending bag of popcorn.  I also drank from the liter of water I smuggled into the theater.  I wasn’t paying three dollars for a twenty-ounce bottle of water.  No way!  I had to draw the line somewhere.  Anyway, as I was saying, even though the movie goes pretty quickly, there are still too many dead spots.

One thing my friend and I had talked about before seeing the movie—because she had seen it already—was the Dementors.  They just weren’t scary enough.  In fact, the first time I saw one—in the train—I burst out laughing.  My friend shushed me, but I had to stuff my hand in my mouth to stop from doing it again.  A shame, as the ice is a nice touch and the dementors are some of the scariest beings in the book.  In the movie, they look like ghosts from Scooby Doo or as my friend said, bad Halloween decorations.  Jack from Nightmare on Elm Street was scarier looking than these guys.  A real negative to the film.

The three stars are growing fast, and it’s clear that they are not thirteen.  Ron (Rupert Grint) has grown at least a foot and is filling out; Harry is taller as well; Hermione (Emma Watson), well, she has breasts.  She’s going to be a stunner when she grows up, but I digress.  Malfoy (Tom Felton) also looks much older than the first film—I never saw the second one—and I understand using different actors.  However, if Rowlings would write the books fast enough and they produced the movies rapidly, I’d like to see them stick with the current actors.  It’s bad enough that Richard Harris died and was replaced by someone who is more Dumbledorf than Dumbledore (Michael Gambon)—but to replace the whole cast….Speaking of Dumbledore, I was very disappointed with the current one.  The old Dumbledore brought nobility and strength to the role, not to mention compassion and wisdom.  The new one seems to be a court jester, ready to do just about anything for a laugh.  He is like the drunk uncle in the corner of the room who beams benevolently on everyone.  What a let-down.

It’s also disappointing that Maggie Smith isn’t seen more.  I know that her role in the book is greatly reduced, but I like her a lot.  I do like the fact that Snape (Alan Rickman) isn’t shown as much as he is in the book because a little Snape goes a long way.  I like the tenderness between Harry and Lupin (David Thewlis), and I wish that Lupin would either show up again or could have stayed despite being outed as a werewolf by Snape.  I’m mad at myself for not figuring out that Lupin was a werewolf and Sirius was a dog.  That has nothing to do with the movie, however, so forgive me. 

Back to the flick.  It is a lush movie that cannot be completely digested in one sitting.  There is too much going on, and it would be nice to see it on DVD so I can stop every frame or so to see what I missed the time before.  I couldn’t help thinking how much money was poured into this movie what with the extensive scenery and extras.  It was worth it, however, as this movie is a treat for the eyes.  Who knows how much of it is CGI and how much is ‘real’, and who cares?  As long as I enjoy it, that’s all that matters in my book.  No pun intended. 

One of the kicks out of a new Harry Potter movie, of course, is to see the guest actors.  This one doesn’t have many, but two of the four do a stellar job.  Even though Emma Thompson as the delightfully ditzy Professor Trelawney isn’t on screen much, she makes the most of her appearances.  She is exactly as I pictured her from the story, and she doesn’t go over the top.  This would be an easy role to overdo, but Thompson never does.  It’s only too bad that they don’t show her more.  They also cut out one of the great lines from the book spoken by Dumbledore about Professor Trelawney.  When Harry tells Dumbledore that the professor had seemed to go into a real trance and made a true prediction, Dumbledore says something to the effect that that was the second time that had happened and that perhaps he should give her a raise.  I liked that line.

David Thewlis gives a wonderfully subdued performance as Professor Lupin.  This is another role that could be infused with large gestures and a rolling gait.  Instead, Thewlis plays it with a touching quietness that borders on wounded dignity.  He has a secret to hide and at the same time, he is worried about Harry, who is the son of one of his best friends.  The way he takes Harry under his wing and teaches him how to protect himself is wonderful.  Alfonso Cuaron—the director—allows the two actors to play off each other with little melodrama marring the scene.  I approve.  Professor Lupin is my favorite character in this movie, and I’m sad that he will not be returning.  At least not for the next book/movie. 

One guest actor did fine, though she didn’t have much to work with.  That’s Julie Christie as the tavern owner, Madame Rosmerta.  She is in one scene in the book and in the movie as well.  She actually has a larger role to play in the movie than in the book because she talks to the Minister of Magic (Robert Hardy as Cornelius Fudge) and Professor McGonagall (Dame Maggie Smith) about why Sirius is after Harry.  Harry is listening under his invisible cloak.  This is not how it happens in the book, but it’s an efficient way of getting that information out there.  In fact, one of the quibbles I have is that there are too many ‘telling’ scenes, but there’s no way Cuaron could fit everything that needs to be fit in action scenes.  It is something that had to be done, but it’s awkward.  Back to Julie Christie—she is an odd choice for this role as it isn’t much of anything.  Cuaron could have had anyone do it.

The one guest actor who did not do a good job, I’m sad to say, is Gary Oldman as Sirius Black.  I know he’s known for his manic performances, and this is a character who deserves to be a little kooky after what he’s gone through—falsely imprisoned for murder—but his Black is a deep disappointment as he rages around the screen, upstaging everybody and everything.  The scene where he is frothing at the mouth over the betrayal of Peter Pettigrew is one of the most painful to watch.  Cuaron needed to say, ‘Rein it in, Gary, rein it in.”  He also bears a startling resemblance to Geoffrey Rush in Pirates of the Caribbean which irritates me throughout his scenes.  Watching Oldman do his shtick made me wonder if Cuaron let him have free reign.  If so, it was not a good choice.  It is only when Oldman calms down and talks like a normal person—such as when he invites Harry to live with him—that his talent shines through.  The few scenes he has when he’s not a raving lunatic are well-done, and it’s a shame he couldn’t have brought some of that sensibility to the rest of the movie. 

All in all, I was pleasantly surprised by this movie.  I think it did the best it could in the given time frame.  Unfortunately, I also felt as if this was a superficial movie that barely skimmed the surface of an engrossing book.  If one did not read the book before seeing the movie, one would come away with a much different idea than what really happened.  One reviewer on IMDB was confused as to why Sirius wanted to kill Harry because ostensibly, Sirius broke out of Azkaban to hunt down Harry.  The reason for the confusion is touched upon in the movie, but it is fully explained in the book.  There are other things, too, such as the map being made by Professor Lupin, Sirius Black and Harry’s father.  The book delves more deeply into the reason Snape hates Harry’s father plus Lupin and Sirius. 

The other big change that I didn’t like is the fight between Lupin and Sirius in the movie.  In the book, at the end when Lupin starts to turn, somehow, he hurries away and secures himself.  Or something like that.  I guess that wasn’t good enough for the movie because in the movie, there is a full-out attack by Lupin on Sirius and the kids.  It’s superfluous, and the werewolf looks more laughable than scary.  It’s akin to Scooby Doo in the newest movies, and that’s not a compliment.  They also did away with my favorite scene in the book which is the last one.  The little owlet comes with a message from Sirius for Harry and it ends up being Ron’s pet. 

Again, if you haven’t read the book, you won’t get the full gist of the movie.  It’s like when I went to see Rent at the Ordway.  If I hadn’t memorized the soundtrack beforehand, I wouldn’t have understood a single word the actors sung.  My friend who went with me was confused as to what was going on.  It’s similar to this movie.  There is too much left out to do justice to the book, but it’s definitely better than the first movie.  Then again, the third book is vastly superior to the first and second books, so that could be the reason the movie is better.  At any rate, when this comes out on DVD, I’d put it on your Netflix Queue, but make sure you read the book first.  That’s the only way to really appreciate the movie. 

                                                                                                                                           8:34 p.m.   12/23/04

One addendum to this movie.  Well, an addendum review because I just watched it again and yes, it was for Snape sightings—so don’t even ask.  Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azerbaijan, take two.

Let’s run over the basics.  Still whirlwind—check.  Still draggy in parts?  Check.  Still huge chunks of the book missing?  Check.  Lupin still excellent?  Check.  Trelawney still do a good job?  Uh, not so check.  Madame Rosmerta?  Eh.  Black?  Still chewing the scenery, but still excellent in the quiet scenes.

What I like about watching this movie for a second time—besides the fact that I actually remember most of it—is that I can watch whatever I want and not pay much attention to the main plot.  One thing that really struck me this time around is how much older Tom Felton looks and sounds—even from the second movie to this one.  I almost didn’t recognize him—but I like his hair forward instead of back.  I also had difficulty adjusting to the older, more mature trio who are Ron, Hermione and Harry.  Maybe it’s because I watched the first movie last night, but the contrast really strikes me between then and now. 

I have to give more credit to Sir Michael Gambon than I did previously.  Even though I still feel he can’t touch the performance of Sir Richard Harris, he’s nowhere near as bad as I thought he was the first time I saw this movie.  I think it’s because the first time I saw this—I was comparing him to Sir Richard.  ‘Sir Richard would never do that.’  ‘Sir Richard would have more dignity.’  This time, I allowed Sir Michael to interpret the role in his own style, and I was able to cope with it better.  Mind, I still prefer Sir Richard to Sir Michael, but I no longer consider it a travesty that Sir Michael is Dumbledore.

That’s pretty much it from the technical end—so those of you who don’t want to read a paean to Snape may now stop reading.  Still there?  Ok.  Then you can’t complain when I rave on about him.  Fair enough?  Oops, one other thing before I move on to Snape.  Malfoy—where is Lucius?????  No, that’s not what I was going to say.  There isn’t enough Malfoy in this one, and he is made to be a big wimp.  It’s difficult to see how he remains alpha male of Slytherin when he’s such a scaredy-cat.  And that whole I feel sorry for Draco thing?  Done and over with.  He is sufficiently foul in this movie that I’m back to simply hating him.  There needs to be more scenes with him trying to win approval from Snape in vain or, better yet, with his father.  Yes, I’m back to Lucius again, so deal with it.  This is the adult portion of the review.  Children may leave now.

Ok.  Snape.  First of all, Snape in a dress is priceless.  The look on his face….The boggart Snape is a highlight of this movie.  In fact, the whole boggart scene is great, but it could have been longer.  I don’t think this is Rickman’s best job as Snape because he’s not cold fury enough.  Oh, it’s there, but it doesn’t match one or two.  I think there needs to be more of him so he can work his way up to it.  I really can’t wait for book five when there is an appreciable more of Snape, and hopefully, Alan Rickman. 

It’s interesting to me the dynamics between Snape and Potter.  No matter how much Snape loathes Potter—and that’s a whole hell of a lot—Snape is always protecting Potter.  This time, from Werewolf Lupin.  And by the way, can I say how glad I am that Lupin is back in the fifth book as well?  Lupin, Snape, and Lucius in the same movie?  Make it happen now!  I will it!  Yes, I have added Lupin to my list of hot men in the HP series—which is disturbingly too many for a kids’ series.  Anyway, Snape does what he can to protect Potter, even if some of it is twisted.  Such as when he teaches the class about werewolves because he fears that Lupin is helping Black.  When he finds out it’s true—in a way—he tries to stop Lupin and Black from harming Harry and friends, or so he thinks.  When Lupin turns into a werewolf and Black transmogrifies into the dog to fight Lupin—Snape is the one sweeping the trio behind him and his cape.

I also forgive him for being so mean to the trio because he’s human.  He loathed Harry’s father, and Harry is so like him.  Snape is a wounded man who can’t get what he really wants—to be Professor of Defense against the Dark Arts.  Deep down, he probably knows it’s best for him not to achieve this goal, but it doesn’t stop him from wanting it.  Then, to see Lupin, one of his archenemies get it when he firmly believes that Lupin is helping an escaped murderer—well, it eats at Snape’s soul.  Then, he has to protect Harry because he knows that Harry is the only one who can fight Voldemort.  But he doesn’t want to protect Harry because he hates Harry.  I read an opinion that Snape shouldn’t be so mean to Harry because he’s the adult and because it’s beneath him.  True, but adults are not always rational—not even intelligent ones like Snape.  He acts so cold when he’s really a mass of emotions boiling under the surface.  He is most likely the smartest professor in the school—besides Dumbledore, of course—and yet, he gets little respect from students outside of Slytherin.  Of course, he can’t see how his own behavior contributes to the problem—which is his hubris.

And besides, he’s damn fucking hot.  Oh, you thought I was going to wax poetic about his tortured inner soul and not mention this tidbit?  Hell, no.  I’m all about the sex appeal, baby.  That’s why this is the adult section of the review.  This is all about how I can’t take my eyes off Snape as he’s dressing down Hermione—poor Hermione—or holding his wand on Black or pushing the trio behind him as they watch Lupin fight Black.  It’s about how I’m willing to listen to him blather on and on about anything he wants as long as he doesn’t stop talking.  It’s about how I wonder about the choices of actors for the male roles.  Are they purposefully picked for their hotness?  And it’s about how could I have missed how fucking hot Snape is the first time I saw a HP movie?  Yes, these are questions I ponder as I watch him act. 

So, to wit.  For movie four, I want more Snape.  I want Snape all the time.  No, wait, I want Lucius, too.  Both of them, all the time.  Unfortunately, Lucius is barely in book four which is why I’m really waiting for movie five to come out.  Oh!  And the dementors!  I want more of them.  They are so damned cute.  I just want to chuck one under the chin and say, ‘Who’s the cute little dementor?  You are!”  Of course, then it would suck my soul out with a single kiss, and I’d be shit out of luck.  Oh well, it’s worth it to be able to talk baby-talk to a dementor.  They are too, too cute.

One thing I want to say about the extras—they suck.  I haven’t tried the DVD-rom, but the rest of it is pretty thin.  I like the interviews with the cast, but I despise the interviewer in this movie’s extras.  I also hate the narrating voice.  Very annoying.  I really only want to see interviews with the cast and maybe behind the scenes stuff from the movie along with deleted scenes.  Oh!  The deleted scene with McGonagall should have been included in the movie.  The rest were filler and were properly cut.  Other than that, the rest of the extras are not much.  Again, I know I’m not the target audience, but still.

All in all, I still recommend this movie although I strongly suggest you read the book first.  Then sit back and enjoy the brilliance that is Snape, and the slightly lesser brilliance that is Lupin.  It’s well-worth the ride.

                                                                                                                                        12:52 a.m.   12/23/24/04

ok.  An addendum to the addendum.  I was watching a few select scenes again—yeah, I’m obsessive like that.  So sue me—and I had a few more questions.  In no particular order:

1. On the train—how does Lupin spell the dementor without saying anything?  Did he mumble it under his breath?
2. Why does Malfoy hang around with a new boy for most the movie?  What happened to his bigger goon?
3. When Hermione notices the full moon, why does she call out to Harry instead of to Lupin so he might have a fighting chance not to change?  On that tip, why the hell didn’t he take his potion?  I know why in the book, but they should have made it clear in the movie.

I think there was one more, but I can’t remember it.  Oh, one more Snape-related tidbit.  I take it back by saying he didn’t do as good a job in this one.  Also, I love the way he enters a classroom.  He makes a splash, that’s for sure, and nobody has quite the pizzazz that he does.  When he storms in Lupin’s class—that he’s substituting for—and angrily shuts all the windows with his wand—in his left hand, mind you—well, it’s mesmerizing.  At least to me.

Ok.  That is all from HP land, and I promise you that I will return to the land of the grownups now.  Of course, I will still be watching a plethora of Alan Rickman movies as well as Jason Isaacs movies (Lucius, come back!).  Throw in a bit of David Thewlis (Lupin), and I’m one very happy camper.  Go put this movie on your Netflix Queue.

Happy New Year, y’all.  How apropos that I saw the movie, January Man, last night.  I bought it sight unseen because it has, yes, you guessed it, Alan Rickman.  It also has Susan Sarandon, which is an added bonus.  Kevin Kline doesn’t do a thing for me, but Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio isn’t too hard on the eyes.  There’s even a totally-gratuitous breast shot of her which is a nice bonus.  I’m getting ahead of myself, of course, but when is that news to anyone?

First of all, the scene with Alan—Ed—and his nude model….She has the roundest tits I’ve seen in a non-porn movie.  They’re nice, but a bit distracting.  Her face isn’t that much to look at, however.  Oh, why is she there nude?  Ed is a painter—and I can totally see Alan as a painter, especially with that beard he has going.  I also like the fact that he’s allowed to be British because there’s no reason to be American.  Alan does his usual stand-up job, but there is not nearly enough of him in this oh-so-tedious do-it-by-the-numbers thriller—and I use the word ‘thriller’ advisedly.  The only good thing about this is that it has Susan and Alan—even though neither is that prominent.  Other than that, well, it’s pretty putrid.

Where to start?  Oh, how about the fact that I don’t buy Kevin Kline as a genius cop for a minute?  How about the idea that a girl half his age would immediately fall for him is nothing short of ludicrous?  When I realized that the same director did Sweet November, well, I should have considered myself forewarned.  Oh, what about the let’s-see-how-gullible-the audience-is subplot of Kline’s brother being the police commission and making Kline his fall guy when he does something shady?  How about Kline acquiescing because their mother loved him more than Kietel’s character—Kline’s brother?  Speaking of Harvey—I spent much of the movie being direly afraid that he’d drop trou as is his wont.  Happily, he keeps them on throughout the whole movie.  I guess you could say that’s the other good thing about this movie, small favor that it is.

Oh, Danny Aiello as the captain of the cops is quite good, but really, he’s the quintessential world-weary cop type so it’s not a huge stretch for him.  If anything, he seems to put it in automatic until the very end, and by then it’s way too late.  Rod Steiger as the corrupt mayor is simply horrible with his overacting and bug-eyed approach to anger.  It’s also difficult to believe that he’s the father of Mary Elizabeth, who does a decent enough job with the role she’s given.  At least she has something of a role while Susan Sarandon is relegated to a scene or two.  Another of the outrageous coincidences in this movie—she marries Keitel after dating Kline.  Oh, and Kline falls for Mary Elizabeth who happens to be with the girl murdered on December 31st.  Happy New Year!

The whole plot of this movie reeks.  There’s this elaborate scheme of a serial killer who only kills on days that are prime numbers, and he only hits certain buildings which form the constellation Virgo, and the apartments he hits play the song, Calendar Girl.  As an ex-psych major, all I can say is, NO!  This is so laughable that it barely merits mentioning.  The way the cops operate is egregious as well.  I know this is all before the days of cop shows and super-accuracy, but still.  There should be at least a verisimilitude of reality in the story this movie is presenting.  But, alas, it is not to be.  Kline is allowed to bring Ed into the office to work with him.  Ed paints the walls with birds, then delves into the computer work.  If that isn’t unbelievable enough, Kline is allowed to bring Mary Elizabeth into the last crime scene.  Really!  What the hell is that about?  She’s a civilian, even if she is the mayor’s daughter and is fucking the lead detective on the case.  It just wouldn’t happen.

What else?  None of the characters are interesting in and of themselves except for Ed, and that’s mostly because it’s Alan.  Sarandon’s character is there just to exacerbate the tension between the brothers and to stir up a little trouble when she discovers Mary Elizabeth in Kline’s apartment with no pants on.  Sarandon does her best, but it’s less than a nothing role.  Keitel is just painful to watch with his deadpan delivery and monotonous voice.  Steiger, as I already mentioned is horrible whereas Kline, well, the kindest I can be is to say that he is incredibly bland.  I don’t buy he’s a genius, and I don’t buy him as someone who can snag a twenty-three year old woman just by telling her he wants to go to bed with her.  In fact, when Kline asks Ed to take Mary Elizabeth back to his apartment, I was hoping for a hook-up between Ed and Mary Elizabeth.  Bernadette, I should say, but that name is so not her.

I’m sorry, but as I’m watching Kline, Ed and Mary Elizabeth interact—by the way, the reason I’m using the real names of most the actors is because I have to think too hard to remember the role names—I’m thinking, ‘I’d choose Alan over Kline any day.’  Then, I started thinking about whom else I would choose Alan over—most everybody—starting with Brad Pitt.  An article started gelling in my mind, which is the plus-side of watching a movie which doesn’t require a great deal of concentration.  At least it’s a relatively short movie, which is a mercy.

The fake denouement with the wrong guy is wretched.  Not only is it instantly recognized as a red herring, it doesn’t even make sense.  How does the guy know about the other killer if he’s been in a loony bin for the last two years?  Sure, maybe he read about it in the last three days since he got out, but to choose a day so close to the right day—well, that’s just too much coincidence to believe.  Then to conveniently throw himself out the window?  Please.  That’s bush league at best.  I almost stopped watching at that point, but I felt obligated to watch the whole thing because I’d bought it.

The other thing that irked me—well, another thing.  I’m not done yet—is that I really wanted either the mayor or the police commissioner to be the bad guy.  The fact that it is someone totally different feels like a cheat to me.  It would have been great if it were Keitel because then we’d have a show-down between brothers.  As it is, we have this totally drawn-out, ludicrous scene in which Kline battles the baddie down several flights of stairs.  He doesn’t have a gun on him for whatever reason—he never explains—which means there’s a bunch of grabbing and punching.  Then Kline talks for a bit while the baddie regains his breath to make a dash for it again.  This is purportedly a comedy, but it’s not very funny.

That’s the problem in a nutshell.  It’s supposedly a thriller but isn’t thrilling.  It’s a comedy without being funny.  It’s trying to delve the psyche of this man who takes the fall for his brother, but his psyche really isn’t worth knowing.  Rickman steals every scene he’s in, obviously, and it would have been so delicious if he were the killer.  While Bernadette and Nick battle the faux killer Ed hired to decoy them, he kills the woman they are purportedly trying to save—at least that’s how I imagine it.  When he gives the woman his trademark grin and lift of the eyebrow, that would have been a perfect moment for him to pull out a blue ribbon and start walking towards her.  Oh, how it would have redeemed this movie to a certain extent if there had been any kind of twist to the ending.  Or, what if it’d been a woman instead of a man?  Like Sarandon’s character.  That would have been good, too, though not as good as Rickman being the killer.  I must say, Rickman is very good at being the baddie, and I would love to see him as a serial killer.  I have Die Hard just waiting for me to view it again in which he’s the ultimate baddie, but I’d like to see him portray a sick, twisted person with no moral values.  Full frontal nudity wouldn’t be bad, either, but I digress.  I’m just allowing you into my mind while watching this movie.

I bought this since Netflix doesn’t have it—which is good for you.  If they did have it, however, I would only recommend it if you really, really, like Alan Rickman—who’s stellar as usual, Mary Elizabeth, Kevin Kline or Harvey Keitel.  Susan Sarandon’s not in it enough to recommend it to see her.  The only other reason is if you’ve been a bad, bad person and need to atone for your sins.  Sitting through this movie would be a good way to do just that.  As much as it pains me to pan an Alan Rickman movie, I must do so here.  Go see any other of his movie rather than this one.  It’s bound to be better.

Addendum:  Netflix does, indeed, have this movie.  It’s just not listed under Rickman’s credits.  Avoid it at all cost.  Considered yourself warned.

I just saw a movie which has no redeeming characters, where it would be kind to call the plot transparent, and that doesn’t seem to think there’s a single shred of human decency anywhere.  Like a reviewer on IMDB.com, I labored under the misperception that this movie was a comedy—most likely because Hugh Grant was in it—when it’s dark drama all the way through.  I don’t think I’ve seen a more depressing movie in quite some time, and there is absolutely nobody to care about in the movie as the behavior ranges from brutal—Hugh Grant as Meredith Potter—to self-absorbed—Alan Rickman as P. J. O’Hara—to callow folly—Georgina Cates as Stella.  They all could have died and it wouldn’t have mattered to me.  In fact, I probably would have cheered if that was the case.  This movie is so damn bleak.

It’s also utterly compelling.  Oh, didn’t I say that already?  No, I didn’t.  The movie is An Awfully Big Adventure, and it is something of a tour de force that the movie can overcome all the obstacles and be so damn engrossing.  The purported heroine of the movie, Stella (Cates), is a 16-year old Liverpool girl who wants to be an actor.  She is raised by Uncle Vernon (Alun Armstrong) who is actually a redeeming character albeit a stereotype and by Aunt Lily (Rita Tushingham).  Her mother is supposed to be this big mystery, but it’s pretty obvious from the start.  Stella interviews with Potter (Grant) and Bunny (Peter Firth) for assistant stage manager.  She is hired, and she immediately falls in love with Potter who is clearly gay.  She doesn’t know that, but the film doesn’t hide the fact.  By the way, it’s funny to hear Alan Rickman say, ‘Potter’ given his latter role in the Harry Potter series, but that is neither here no there. 

Now, it would be easy to make Stella an ingénue type who is innocent and naïve and all that.  Well, she is, but she’s also a cold, calculating bitch.  Hey, just because she’s young doesn’t mean she can’t be a bitch.  She knows what she wants, and she’ll stop at nothing to get it.  It’s a tribute to Cates that she makes Stella at all palatable as the character is really unlikable.  Several times, I want to slap the hell out of her for being mean, petulant or down right cruel.  Also, there’s absolutely no reason for her to fall in love with Potter, but that’s ok as it’s a schoolgirl crush.

May I reiterate, however, my annoyance at stating that someone stars in a movie when he doesn’t even show up for the first hour?  Yes, I’m referring to Alan Rickman.  Granted, the time whizzes by, but I’m getting fidgety to see more than a picture of him.  Anyhow, things go tripping along as Stella makes one coldhearted decision after the other, and so does Potter.  He is fully aware that Stella adores him, and he’s not above using it.  I have to give props to Grant whom I don’t really care for.  He does a spot-on job as a nasty queen intoxicated with his own power, and I hope Grant does more roles like this.  In this country, he seems to be stuck in the affable, diffident romantic lead roles which is so goddamn boring.  I am surprised how good an actor he is, so kudos to him.

When Alan does show up after a series of unfortunate events—no, sorry, unlikely events—things really heat up.  I’m never quite sure if the movie means to make the plot as obvious as it is, but the tension is more in how things will implode or explode rather than what’s going to happen.  I have to say, though, I am squeamish about the love scenes and the kisses between Alan Rickman and Georgina Cates.  Yes, I know it’s Alan Rickman, and I would give my, uh, hm…what are eyeteeth?  Anyway, I would give a lot to kiss him, but he was fifty-one when this movie was made, and she was twenty.  That’s an ick factor.  I know that’s a part of the script, but it’s still squeamish to watch. 

The events that unfold are tragic of epic proportion.  They also feel inevitable, though any one of them could have stopped the ball rolling at any point.  Stella could have realized that sleeping with O’Hara to forget her love for Potter is a bad thing.  She could also have realized that calling out Meredith’s name to get back at O’Hara’s for his gaffe is beyond the pale as well.  Also, I’m never quite sure if she grasps the bigger picture concerning her absentee mother, but it’s no matter.  Her behavior is appalling either way, and it’s hard to view her as a confused young girl being taken advantaged of—especially as she’s so eager to lose her virginity.

The ending is as it has to be.  It is a suitable ending, though quite grim.  There are many complaints from reviewers for the darkness of the movie or for the fact that there is no redemption or comeuppance at the end.  People, this movie is not about that.  It’s about the horrible ways we treat each other and how we’re caught up in our traps.  There are so many ways to fuck up, and most of us seem hell-bent in doing as many of them as possible.  This movie is to be admired for sticking with its unflinching world view, not excoriated.  I’m so glad it didn’t sell out at the end, but stuck true to its roots. 

It surprises me how good this movie is because it really shouldn’t be.  As I stated above, the plot is painfully obvious; the characters are irredeemable—except, perhaps, for O’Hara who does redeem himself somewhat in the end; the message is bleak.  It’s the cast who deserves all credit for making this movie eminently watchable.  If you can stomach despair and human ugliness in all shapes and sizes; if you don’t insist your movies to have a happy or even neutral ending; if you can spend a few hours with people you’d never want to meet in real life, then put this movie on your Netflix Queue.  Just don’t blame me if you end up hating it.

p.s.  there is a bit of Alan Rickman flesh, but I couldn’t even enjoy it because I was too grossed out by the age difference and, well, other things.

Oh, God.  I just got done watching Dogma—which wasn’t the movie I was going to watch, but that DVD wouldn’t play.  So, instead of the fairyland of Peter Pan and that dastardly Captain Hook—yeah, of Wendy, too—I settled in to listen to The Voice of the One True God, er, watch a different movie.  A friend of mind lent this DVD to me because of my well-documented growing obsession with all things Alan Rickman.  I was leery because I hadn’t liked Clerks, and I don’t much care for Matt Damon or Ben Affleck.  It was only when I began watching the movie that I realized I had liked the boys in Good Will Hunting, though that seemed like eons ago.  Still, I didn’t think I’d care much for this flick, and was I ever pleasantly surprised.

First—the negatives.  Well, the biggest negative.  Jay (Jason Mewes) and his puerile mouth.  I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but I got tired of his constant attempt to get laid in the most inappropriate times.  He is too much of a one-note character to garner much interest, and he actually detracts from the movie much of the time.  The few times when he has something worthwhile to say—such as his suggestion to talk to the cardinal about shutting down the church—are far overwhelmed by the sheer inanity of his comments.  I would have culled his remarks by two-thirds and given those lines to Silent Bob (Kevin Smith).  Yes, that was a joke.

The star casting has both a negative and a positive effect for me.  The negative is the ‘oh, look, it’s so-and-so’ factor.  Every time a new famous face popped up, I’d take note of it.  This jerks me forcibly out of the movie, reminding me that these are Actors.  I don’t have much quibble with the larger roles being acted by famous people, but what about the small parts such as Janeane Garofalo’s role?  You could have made the nun do a double-bill, cutting costs in half.  God also might have been better as an no-name rather than a pretty famous one.  I admit I found Alanis Morissette pretty fucking hysterical as God, but having her play the part specifically doesn’t really add much to the performance.

Note to self—do not read reviews of movies I like as I will be befuddled, perplexed and confused.  People thought this movie was too scattered and/or too populated.  Should have cut out some of the characters.  I like the plethora of characters running around!  There’s too much violence.  Hello, it’s the fucking apocalypse.  I think it’s safe to assume there’ll be blood at the apocalypse, people!  Too over-the-top, too whatever.  This movie isn’t perfect by far, but it’s a pretty damn good little movie.  It’s not anti-Catholic as some seem to think, but it does ask that you question your faith so it’s something more than a hand-me-down tradition.

I like the lead, Bethany (Linda Fiorentino), because she’s low-keyed, but evocative.  One of the reviews thought she was detached and disinterested, but it’s not true.  She is in shock—as anyone would be if she found out she descended from Christ himself.  Well, not from Christ, but from his sibling.  Still, pretty impressive.  I think her reactions are quite realistic, but maybe that’s only because I imagine myself reacting in the same fashion.  Plus, she has a really sexy voice.  The only difference is that if I were infected with the last scion of God, well, I would have quite the different reaction to that than does Bethany.  Oh, and I have a minor quibble with her name.  Bethany doesn’t have the same ring to it as does Jesus Christ.  I mean, Bethany?  But I guess that’s the point—she’s just a normal person.  Except she’s the last scion of God.  Until the end of the movie.

But I digress.  Rather, I jump ahead of myself.  This movie is funny from the get-go.  To watch Ben (Bartleby) and Matt (Loki) interact is to remember how good they are together.  In fact, I like them a lot as two renegade angels trying to get back into heaven on a loophole.  The reason behind the justification for the premise of this movie wouldn’t stand up in a theological court, but who cares?  I get to watch madcap comedy as it cavorts across the screen.  I get to see Selma Hayek’s (Serendipity) nearly naked breasts.  I get to see a really disturbing visual of Alan Rickman with no penis—angels don’t have genitalia, it appears.  Just imagine if I were drunk how this movie would rock even harder!  So, no, it doesn’t really bother me that I don’t know how the demons found God who should be able to cover his tracks better than that if even his own angels don’t know where he is.  My mind is on higher things!

One thing that does bother me, however, is how easy it is to figure out what happened to God, but that’s a minor point.  I like the three hockey henchmen of the demon, Azrael (Jason Lee), just as I like the not-so-sly references to non-Catholic gods such as Loki.  He is, as you may know, the son of Odin in Norse mythology.  He is the trickster god, eternally childlike.  Here, he is the angel of death who smites in the name of God—rather, he was before he quit.  He is played brilliantly by Matt Damon who brings a childlike innocent to the role—though he doesn’t look very Norse.  I mean, the glee in which he dispenses of the fallen is almost, well, angelic in its purity.  He has very strict standards.  He will not kill an innocent or someone who has done nothing wrong.  Of course, he wanted to kill someone who didn’t say ‘God bless you’ when he sneezed, so his definition of ‘something wrong’ is pretty broad.

I think the thing about this movie is that you just have to accept it for what it is.  If you try to expect it to go in a certain direction, you won’t be satisfied.  Yes, it’s pretty easy to know what’s going to happen before it happens, but the movie is such a joy to watch that this matters little in the end.  I could do without the shit-demon, but it fits in the movie—just as the fact that Silent Bob can spray him into submission with something that kills strong odors fits the movie.  Would the movie be as good without it?  Definitely.  Does having the shit-demon in the movie appreciably hurt the movie?  Not really.

I also like how Kevin Smith—the director as well as Silent Bob—gets in his digs at racism and sexism through the artful guise of comedy.  Having Chris Rock as the thirteenth apostle is only short of brilliant.  To have him rein it in and give an almost subdued performance?  Well, that takes Smith one step closer to the nirvana of filmmaking.  Look, I enjoy Rock’s diatribes as much as the next person, but this movie shows there’s more to him than just screaming at the top of his lungs and acting the fool.  This movie demonstrates he can play more than just one kind of character, and I find it refreshing.

This is not a deep movie, by any means.  It’s pretty simple once you boil it down.  Organized religion is in danger of ossifying.  You need to decide what you believe for yourself.  You go through a lot of shit—sometimes, literally—before overcoming.  In fact, it’s pretty pro-religion in that is has God at the end making everything all right.  This, my friends, is my biggest gripe with the movie.  I know, I know, it’s Grinch-like to complain about a happy ending, but, but, but….I just think it would have been more powerful if Bethany hadn’t been revived at the end.  To me, that’s really what the movie is about.  Dying for something you believe in—for the greater good.  I feel as if Kevin Smith is channeling his inner Steven Spielberg at the end by giving us the warm fuzzies, including Bethany being pregnant.  Sure, she saved the world, but why is she chosen to live when others are left to die?  A bit too pat for my taste.

I have to give big ups to Affleck whom I’ve forgotten actually knew how to act once upon a time.  His portrayal of Bartleby is great to watch, especially as Bartleby slowly starts to lose his mind.  At first, he simply wants to go home after ages of being banished to Wisconsin for daring to disobey God.  Then, he realizes what he wants is revenge.  He’s turned into another Lucifer, in other words, and he does a good job of it.  Oh, Mr. Almost-J-Lo.  Look to your past in order to rise again.  Fear not the comedy and try not so hard to be a Serious Actor.  This role fits him like a glove, and he makes it his own.  Oh, and he was right about something.  It’s not fair that we humans get to choose our own destiny—so we think—while the angels have to follow the Word of God.  Something else to think about.

Some people suggest trimming the movie, but I like the length.  I think the wandering, peripatetic route taken by everyone to the denouement is apropos of the journey we all take in general.  Very few of us step foot on a path and continue in a linear fashion without once falling to the wayside or jumping off.  I urge those of you who didn’t like this movie to give it another shot—to see if you like it any better the second time around.

Before I wrap this up—I have to praise Alan Rickman, of course, for his usual fine performance.  His arch yet sarcastic approach to Metatron, the Voice of God is screamingly funny, whereas his later tenderness with a freaked-out Bethany when she realizes she’s the chosen one is equally touching.  Maybe it’s the British accent which can make anything sound important, but more likely it’s his portrayal.  He has one tiny acting tic that I just notice which I’m not going to mention, but I hope he keeps it in check.  Oh, the scene in the Mexican café is very funny with him spitting out the tequila because he’s not allowed to drink.  A small touch of creativity where it’s least expected.

Put this movie on your Netflix Queue, regardless of your religion.  Put it there regardless of what kind of movie you usually like.  If you give it a chance, it just might give you a few new ideas about how you want to navigate this silly thing called life.

4:34 p.m.   1/11/05

Addendum:  I just got the special two-disk package and while I’m delighted with the extra footage, I am more than disappointed that there isn’t any Alan in it.  Of course, I realize that he’s a genius who makes few mistakes, but still.  Is one deleted scene or one outtake too much to ask for?  Apparently so.  There was an interesting tidbit about him, however.  Seems the wings he wore weighed a hundred pounds, and he threw his back while wearing them.  Ouch!  The things actors do for their craft.  It is also apparent that Kevin Smith has a very high regard for Alan, as he should.

I have to say that I agree with most of the deleted scenes being deleted save one.  There is a very moving scene in which we find out more about the reason Bethany can’t have children, and it’s a keeper.  I realize it doesn’t advance the plot, but it’s important to have that kind of backstory.  The rest of it is way too talky and best viewed outside the movie.  As for the criticism of the restaurant scene not being more action-oriented—i.e., seeing Bartleby and Loki doing their thing in a flashback—I disagree.  I like the ‘talkiness’ of the scene, and not just because Alan is in it.  It’s another chance to learn more about Bethany in her reaction to the information Metatron is dribbling to her.

I enjoy the homey nature of the commentary as well as the intros Kevin and Vincent do for each deleted scene.  It’s quite jarring at first to hear Kevin swear so much because that’s something not to be found in other commentaries, but it’s much appreciated.  I don’t like the high-falutin’ tone some of the extras for other movies carry, and it’s refreshing to have a bonus disc that is real.  It’s like sitting down with the director and just shooting the shit.  I appreciate that.  I also like the irreverent tone, but that’s only to be expected.  Look, this is filmmaking, not rocket science.  I hate when any artist is asked to defend every little detail of his/her art.  I know if I were ever to be interviewed and asked why I used a certain word or a certain phrase, my answer would most likely be, ‘Fuck all if I know.’  There doesn’t have to be meaning in every little thing, and sometimes focusing on the minutiae takes away from the big picture.

This gets back to my protest that people thought this movie was too long.  Sure, there are some scenes which might not make sense in and of themselves.  Sure, a few of the scenes are a bit self-important, but one has to look at the whole.  Not every word needs to be brilliant.  Not every scene needs to be great.  The only scene I would have taken out is the shit-monster scene, and that’s solely because I found it distasteful and not funny.  I’m really glad Kevin took the second scene with it out as it would have been way too much, and it would have ruined the ending completely.

I’m also glad to know that he had planned on leaving the scene bloody at the end, but didn’t have the time to shoot it that way.  That makes me feel better as I didn’t like that part of the ending.  I don’t mind that he refuses to answer questions such as, ‘Did Bartleby make it to heaven?’ because I don’t think a director is obligated to answer every question for the viewer.  We Americans are way too spoiled.  We want to be spoon-fed everything and not have to think for ourselves.  It’s the only explanation as to how that idiot got elected president.  Whoa, how the hell did I get to Bush in a review about a movie?  Because he’s easy to blame for everything.

Anyway, the extras are fascinating more for what they say about Kevin Smith than they do about the movie.  I enjoyed watching the deleted scenes, but I more enjoyed hearing Kevin and Vincent—one of the members of View Askew Productions—discuss the scenes and why they didn’t keep them.  I also enjoyed listening to them diss Ben Affleck.  I liked seeing Kevin’s wife and baby girl.  I couldn’t quite tell if it was true that he was a virgin when he married and that he’d only seen one woman naked—because he’s Catholic—but it was interesting to hear.  Finally, I can’t believe they received death threats because of this movie.  It’s a fucking movie, people.  Even God would have enjoyed this one.